Infertility rears it’s ugly head... again

I’ve been so bad about blogging lately but we have had so much going on and I honestly have just been in a weird place for the past few weeks. It’s so hard to feel interested in the latest lipstick colors and the best Nordstrom sale deals when you’re in the depths of infertility. It just completely consumes you and your thoughts. We were so hoping to be sharing a pregnancy announcement in the next few weeks but instead we are mourning the loss of what would have been our second baby.

Sharing our journey has been both the hardest and most rewarding decision. I am an introverted, private person by nature but I prayed that our story would help at least one other couple and since sharing in spring of 2016, I have connected with hundreds of women going through the same thing. God is definitely using our story for good! And I would be doing a disservice to only share the highlights and successes of our infertility journey, because it doesn't always have a happy ending.

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We always knew we wanted our children to be close in age. We decided that 2 years apart would be ideal so back in March of 2018 we made the all too familiar 2 hour drive back to our RE’s office to come up with a game plan. We met with our doctor and set a July 2018 transfer date. In late May I went back to UNC for a saline ultrasound, mock embryo transfer and bloodwork. Everything looked great and we were ready to start meds!

I started taking birth control (seems so ironic right?) and then late June I had an ultrasound and bloodwork and started estrogen 3x a day. The goal of the estrogen is to make your endometrial lining nice and thick, a healthy “cushion” for baby to grow in. We went for weekly ultrasounds and bloodwork and everything progressed perfectly. Five days before our embryo transfer I started intramuscular progesterone injections in my butt nightly and let me tell y’all, those things hurt. They hurt much worse than I remember. We were all set for transfer!

The morning of transfer we woke up bright and early to make the drive and have a breakfast date before our appointment. I chugged lots of water (you need a full bladder for the procedure which is the most uncomfortable part) and we were ready to go. Everything went perfectly and we headed home and I relaxed on the couch the rest of the day. We were so excited and optimistic!

 They tell you not to POAS (pee on a stick) at home after an embryo transfer because it can be falsely negative. They like you to wait until 9 days after transfer for your blood test but I'm way too Type-A to wait that long. I POAS at 5 days post-transfer and it was a BFN (big fat negative). The worst feeling ever. I felt like someone knocked the wind out of me. I knew 100% at that point that it had not worked. I had a positive at that point in time after our transfer with Vivi so I just knew. I had to wait 3 more excruciating days before my blood test when I already knew what the results were going to be. There is nothing worse than continuing to take meds and injections when you already know it didn't work.

We got the call from our doctor that our blood test was, in fact, negative and we officially had an unsuccessful transfer.  Having our sweet baby has definitely made this more bearable because I don't have the overwhelming thoughts of "will I ever be a mom?" However, infertility is awful and never gets easier and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. The emotional and physical toll it has on your body is tremendous. Not to mention the financial aspect that is so unfair and stressful. We were and still are so sad but we are picking up the pieces and will try again!

If you have any questions about IVF or our infertility journey, don't hesitate to email me at davisduoblog@gmail.com. I'm happy to talk!

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Checking on our embryo babies!

Yesterday was an exciting day! We made the all too familiar drive to UNC Fertility to check on our frozen babies! There were so many emotions as we walked into the building. Thankfully for us it is a place of some really hard memories but also some super happy ones as well. I know a lot of people are flooded with heartbreak when they walk into their fertility clinic and don't get me wrong, those memories will never be forgotten, but this is also a very special and happy place for us. It seems like just yesterday we walked into the clinic for my egg retrieval then our embryo transfer day and our very first ultrasound at 5w5d when we saw her precious heart beating away.

No, I'm not pregnant.

Ideally, God willing, we would love to be pregnant by the end of the year though so we wanted to get the ball rolling. IVF is a complicated process and will take about 3 months of "prep" before our next embryo transfer. Did you know you have to take oral birth control pills to prepare for an embryo transfer? Seems kind of ironic. Then I will have to take estrogen then progesterone injections. So! We met with our amazing doctor [I swear I think he hung the moon] and we have a game plan. To be continued...

Even when you're on the "other side" of infertility, it never ends. There are so many huge decisions that you have to make. What will you do with the embryos if one of you dies? If you get divorced? Once you are done having kids, will you donate the extra embryos to science? To another couple? Discard them? Things that you don't want to think about but that are super important. 

We both had to get blood drawn to test for a few different things including zika virus since we traveled out of the country recently. You would have thought the world was ending. Garrett works in the medical field but he cannot stand having his own blood drawn. After his blood draw he goes, "so who is going to drive us home now?" Men...

Also, I absolutely am getting these onesies for our next baby. IVF jokes get me!

Pregnancy after infertility

I have sat down and stared at a blank screen for months trying to put this post into words. Bear with me, this is a jumble of thoughts and feelings on experiencing pregnancy after infertility.

When we were only dating we were faced with the harsh reality that we would likely have trouble conceiving. This lead to endless research, surgery, reaching out to others to had been through IVF, prayer, long discussions about our future, and never-ending anxiety about getting pregnant. Through our dating years, engagement, and newlywed stage one thing was for certain, whatever trials were in our future, we would face them together.

Fast forward to 2015 when we were officially "ready". It came as no surprise when we saw negative test after negative test, month after month. Though we were "prepared" for this, that didn't make it any easier. We knew time is of the essence and we didn't want to delay the inevitable. We found the perfect infertility clinic for us and were officially told what we had known for 6 years… IVF was our only option. Game on, let's do this! You guys have seen the journey unfold here, from making our journey public to my egg retrieval and embryo transfer and finally to our answered prayer. What I haven't touched on much is how hard it was after we got our BFP (big fat positive).

After we found out we were pregnant, instead of feeling elated that we had finally overcome infertility, all I could think about were the "what ifs". What if I have a miscarriage, what if this baby has health problems, what if… you name it. I was not prepared for these feelings, as I thought I would be carefree and on top of the world. To make matters worse, around week 7 I started bleeding and I was 100% positive I was miscarrying. I left work immediately went straight to my doctor who confirmed that baby's heart was beating away (praise God!) but that I had a subchorionic hemorrhage. I was put on modified bed rest and monitored weekly until my body reabsorbed it. This only made my anxiety worse, knowing that this hematoma put me at increased risk for miscarriage.

Even as we transitioned out of the first trimester, my hematoma resolved, and baby was doing perfectly, it wasn't until around week 15 or 16 that I really started to enjoy my pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, my love for that tiny baby was something fierce, but I didn't really like talking about my pregnancy with other people. I felt like I was going to "jinx" something if I talked about it. I didn't have the "run to the bathroom and pee on a stick and surprise husband with the news" experience that you see in the movies. Our road to get to this place was hard so unfortunately I was overly aware of all the bad things that could happen. I think this is pretty common after battling infertility. After going through IVF, you are far too used to hearing what went wrong, what your odds are, "I'm sorry", etc. You feel like one big science experiment.

So, I have put together a list of 3 things that all women should do in early pregnancy after beating infertility:

1. Give yourself grace. You've been through hell and back. It's not easy to flip a switch and go from worried and anxious to happy and carefree the second you see that BFP. Those negative feelings will fade with time as you start to realizing that your miracle baby isn't going anywhere! Trust that God brought you this far for a reason and that "He is knitting your baby together in your womb" (Psalm 139:13).

2. Have a support system. My husband and mom have been my absolute rocks through this entire process. I never went to a single doctor's appointment alone, and my clinic was 2 hours away. My husband knew when I was feeling sad and let me feel these things, then he was there to pick me up when I was ready. His tears of happiness at every ultrasound showed me that we were in this together. He would pray over our baby and constantly tried to reassure me that everything would be ok. It's impossible to go through this alone. Find your solid support system and don't be afraid to ask for help.

3. Celebrate the milestones. Celebrate your BFP, celebrate hearing the heartbeat for the first time, celebrate graduating from the first trimester. It's ok to let yourself be happy! You won't jinx it!

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If you made it to the end of this post, kudos to you! At 21 weeks now, I am incredibly thankful and happy for every single day with this baby. I absolutely love being pregnant and would do it all over again in a heartbeat for this baby. If you or someone you know has any questions about IVF or infertility, don't hesitate to email me at davisduoblog@gmail.com. At the end of the day, I am so very thankful for our journey and I am certain that our struggle made me 100x more thankful for every minute of this pregnancy!