Addicted to Hope

It has taken me so long to hit "publish" on this post. It is terrifying to make this personal issue so public but if my story provides hope to one person, it will be worth it.

+++

Hope (n): a desire of some good, accompanied with an expectation of obtaining it or belief that it is obtainable

Today I'm getting personal and discussing a common yet rarely talked about horror: infertility. For the past 4+ years we have literally been addicted to hope. Hopeful that one day our house will be filled with babies and toys and bottles and diapers. Hope is what has kept us going. It all started when we were dating and we were told that we would have trouble getting pregnant. Being that we picked our future children's names the first year we were dating, this news was a huge punch in the gut. 

Fast forward four years to 2015 when we decided it was time for babies. What an exciting time! Once we made this decision, it was all-encompassing. It's all we thought about. Knowing that we would most likely not get pregnant easily, this became a time filled with anxiety for me. I am a Type-A control freak  by nature and this is literally the first thing in my life that I have had absolutely zero control over. After telling God my "ideal timeline" and hearing Him laugh at me, I decided it was time to fully release this situation into His hands. This is what I should have done a long time ago. Lesson learned, God.

After lots of doctor's appointments and disappointment and second opinions we were referred to one of the best fertility clinics in the state to begin the process of IVF. If you have been following along this blog for any time at all, you know that I am super passionate about women's health and infertility issues. Well surprise! That's because I knew we would most likely be in this position one day.

Bless my amazing husband for keeping me sane through this overwhelming time. I am naturally an anxious person and frequently let negative thoughts flood my mind. Just a few of my daily thoughts include: "What if IVF doesn't work?", "How the heck will we pay for this?", "How am I going to make it to all of these doctor's appointments 2 hours away after just beginning a new job?", "Am I really going to be able to give myself shots daily for weeks?", "What if this is God's way of telling us that He doesn't want us to have children?". My husband is quick to re-direct my focus and provide encouragement. We make such a great team and the thought of seeing him as a dad is what keeps me going.

One thing I have learned throughout this process is that infertility does not discriminate. It doesn't care about age, race, socioeconomic status, health, etc. Did I ever imagine that I'd be going through IVF in my 20's with no health problems? Absolutely not. However, do I believe that God has a reason for taking us down this path? Absolutely. I do not think infertility is from the Lord, for He says, "I will bless you richly. I will multiply your descendants…" in Genesis 22:17. However, I do believe that He uses trials such as infertility to teach us to trust in Him and His timing.

This struggle is going to make me so much more thankful for my future pregnancies and babies. I am going to embrace morning sickness, stretch marks, middle of the night feedings, and dirty diapers. Am I scared? Shitless. But am I hopeful? Immensely. All of our doctors and nurses are amazing and I truly believe we are in great hands.

So, why am I sharing our story? For 3 reasons:

1) If I can provide hope to just one person, it is worth it. I have read countless blogs over the past few years that have given me so much encouragement when trudging through these lonely waters known as infertility. So many strong, positive women telling their stories have helped me when I feel like no one else understands. I want to end the stigma behind infertility. Why are we ashamed to tell our stories?! We should be encouraging one another and lifting each other up in prayer. This is part of my story and I believe God wants me to use it spread His word. [Jenica] [Amanda] [Ashley] [Natalie] [Rebekah] [Lauren] [Eleni]

2) I want people to understand that just because a couple is young and healthy does not mean that they will get pregnant the second they decide they are ready. How many times have I been asked in the last year when we are going to have kids? I honestly cannot even count. Please, stop asking couples when they are going to have a baby. There is a good chance they are trying, and if they aren't, well it's none of your business anyway! In no way am I pointing fingers because I used to ask the same question until I realized firsthand that this seemingly innocent question can cause serious heartache. If someone feels like sharing this information with you, they will. But until then, don't ask.

3) To ask for prayers. I fully believe in the power of prayer. Though I feel somewhat selfish and silly asking for prayers when we are healthy and there are other people suffering from chronic illnesses and losing family members, I also believe that no prayer is too small for our God.

"You don't understand now what I am doing, but someday you will." -John 13:7

"He has made everything beautiful in His time." -Ecclesiastes 3:11