Addicted to Hope

Friday, February 12, 2016

It has taken me so long to hit "publish" on this post. It is terrifying to make this personal issue so public but if my story provides hope to one person, it will be worth it.

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Hope (n): a desire of some good, accompanied with an expectation of obtaining it or belief that it is obtainable

Today I'm getting personal and discussing a common yet rarely talked about horror: infertility. For the past 4+ years we have literally been addicted to hope. Hopeful that one day our house will be filled with babies and toys and bottles and diapers. Hope is what has kept us going. It all started when we were dating and we were told that we would have trouble getting pregnant. Being that we picked our future children's names the first year we were dating, this news was a huge punch in the gut. 

Fast forward four years to 2015 when we decided it was time for babies. What an exciting time! Once we made this decision, it was all-encompassing. It's all we thought about. Knowing that we would most likely not get pregnant easily, this became a time filled with anxiety for me. I am a Type-A control freak  by nature and this is literally the first thing in my life that I have had absolutely zero control over. After telling God my "ideal timeline" and hearing Him laugh at me, I decided it was time to fully release this situation into His hands. This is what I should have done a long time ago. Lesson learned, God.

After lots of doctor's appointments and disappointment and second opinions we were referred to one of the best fertility clinics in the state to begin the process of IVF. If you have been following along this blog for any time at all, you know that I am super passionate about women's health and infertility issues. Well surprise! That's because I knew we would most likely be in this position one day.

Bless my amazing husband for keeping me sane through this overwhelming time. I am naturally an anxious person and frequently let negative thoughts flood my mind. Just a few of my daily thoughts include: "What if IVF doesn't work?", "How the heck will we pay for this?", "How am I going to make it to all of these doctor's appointments 2 hours away after just beginning a new job?", "Am I really going to be able to give myself shots daily for weeks?", "What if this is God's way of telling us that He doesn't want us to have children?". My husband is quick to re-direct my focus and provide encouragement. We make such a great team and the thought of seeing him as a dad is what keeps me going.

One thing I have learned throughout this process is that infertility does not discriminate. It doesn't care about age, race, socioeconomic status, health, etc. Did I ever imagine that I'd be going through IVF in my 20's with no health problems? Absolutely not. However, do I believe that God has a reason for taking us down this path? Absolutely. I do not think infertility is from the Lord, for He says, "I will bless you richly. I will multiply your descendants…" in Genesis 22:17. However, I do believe that He uses trials such as infertility to teach us to trust in Him and His timing.

This struggle is going to make me so much more thankful for my future pregnancies and babies. I am going to embrace morning sickness, stretch marks, middle of the night feedings, and dirty diapers. Am I scared? Shitless. But am I hopeful? Immensely. All of our doctors and nurses are amazing and I truly believe we are in great hands.


So, why am I sharing our story? For 3 reasons:

1) If I can provide hope to just one person, it is worth it. I have read countless blogs over the past few years that have given me so much encouragement when trudging through these lonely waters known as infertility. So many strong, positive women telling their stories have helped me when I feel like no one else understands. I want to end the stigma behind infertility. Why are we ashamed to tell our stories?! We should be encouraging one another and lifting each other up in prayer. This is part of my story and I believe God wants me to use it spread His word. [Jenica] [Amanda] [Ashley] [Natalie] [Rebekah] [Lauren] [Eleni]

2) I want people to understand that just because a couple is young and healthy does not mean that they will get pregnant the second they decide they are ready. How many times have I been asked in the last year when we are going to have kids? I honestly cannot even count. Please, stop asking couples when they are going to have a baby. There is a good chance they are trying, and if they aren't, well it's none of your business anyway! In no way am I pointing fingers because I used to ask the same question until I realized firsthand that this seemingly innocent question can cause serious heartache. If someone feels like sharing this information with you, they will. But until then, don't ask.

3) To ask for prayers. I fully believe in the power of prayer. Though I feel somewhat selfish and silly asking for prayers when we are healthy and there are other people suffering from chronic illnesses and losing family members, I also believe that no prayer is too small for our God.


"You don't understand now what I am doing, but someday you will." -John 13:7

"He has made everything beautiful in His time." -Ecclesiastes 3:11

39 comments :

  1. Praying for you sweet girl! Thank you for sharing this with us, for getting so personal...for allowing yourself to bring this to us. I hope and pray that you and your husband do not have a long journey ahead of you...love you girl!

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  2. Praying for you. We are just starting to try and have already been told it might be a struggle. Being told that we will struggle was not what I wanted to hear, but I'm trying to be patient. Thanks for sharing your story.

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  3. I am so proud of you two. Endless prayers and continued hope in God who provides what he promises. Love you Owweeee!

    Hebrews 6:13-20

    13When God made his promise to Abraham, since there was no one greater for him to swear by, he swore by himself, 14saying, “I will surely bless you and give you many descendants.” 15And so after waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised.

    16People swear by someone greater than themselves, and the oath confirms what is said and puts an end to all argument. 17Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of his purpose very clear to the heirs of what was promised, he confirmed it with an oath. 18God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope set before us may be greatly encouraged. 19We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, 20where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek.

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  4. So thankful you shared your story! My prayers are definitely with you and your husband. By no means did we have to go through the IVF journey, but we had a difficult time getting pregnant with Walker when we decided we were ready, and I know how difficult those long months of waiting, wishing and hoping were…so I can definitely understand on a certain level. And yes, thank you: please stop asking couples when they're going to have a baby! It drives me INSANE. With us, right after the first one, it was, "When are you going to have another?" and now, "Oh, are you going to try for a girl?" I just don't understand why people think my body is their business. But anyway, I'm definitely praying for you and hoping that God richly blesses you and your husband with your dream: children! :)

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  5. I knew this post was coming and yet I wasn't prepared for all of the emotions it would bring up in me. I praise you for sharing your story and your journey to end the stigma and silence around infertility. It's not something to just say you understand because you can't understand it until you go through it. I'm so happy that you have your husband to help you when things get tough, you et nervous or scared or feel let down. This is just a bump along the road of your lives together and it will make you stronger by getting through it together. I'm so proud of you for sharing this and for taking the next big step towards your dreams! Sending you two lots of love prayers and HOPE!

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  6. What a beautiful post! Thank you for sharing this. Your hope and positivity is very motivating and refreshing! I wish you all the luck in your journey for lots of babies and toys spread about your home. :)

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  7. Wow, what a strong and brave post, lady! You are so right, infertility does not discriminate and it is still sooo private. I know many a woman who struggled and have sent MANY a prayer up to God for them. I will be adding you and your husband to my prayer list. I know I don't have the words to help, but please know I'm here if you need to talk or vent and even though I've never gone through this process I will sympathize in your suffering. God is good and He will bring you the most perfect child one day <3. Thank you for being such a positive and uplifting voice with such a sad subject.

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  8. sending so many good thoughts to you, sweet friend! my best friend went through some mighty trying times like yours and seeing her heart break month after month after month - it's just the most heartbreaking thing to see/feel for her. i hope you reach lots of people with this post and even if not - you are putting it out there which is no small feat! all the love, on this weekend of love!

    xoxo cheshire kat

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  9. I've had 3 friends struggle with infertility in the past few years... I'm happy to be a sounding board for you as you go through this process because I've seen how hard it has been for them. You have my prayers girlie. Hugs.

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  10. Thank you so much for sharing this sweet friend! You are so strong and brave to share your story and I applaud you for that. Nothing drives me more insane than someone asking when I'm going to have a baby and people never even stop to think about all of the reasons why it might not be happening. You have such a great support system and I love (and admire) how positive you are about it. Sending you all the thoughts and prayers girl! <3, Pamela Sequins & Sea Breezes

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  11. Thank you for opening up and sharing your story. The blogging world has really opened up my eyes to how common infertility is (which is awful that it's so much more common). Even though we're not trying and don't have too many signs of infertility (there is one thing that might cause an issue but we're hoping to get that fixed soon) it keeps me aware that this is a big possibility. I know God will use your story to reach others and share His wonderful hope & love. You and Garrett will be the best parents and I honestly don't think God will prevent y'all from that. We will be praying for y'all!! Keep us updated :)

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  12. What a beautiful post! Sending lots of love and prayers your way. Don't ever give up hope. A friend's sister in law tried to get pregnant for years and years. They decided to become foster parents which turned into an adoption of two little girls. A year later, she got pregnant. They now have three adorable little girls. God works in mystery's ways.

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  13. Sending lots of prayers your way. Thanks to bloggers and real-life friends I have read/seen so many struggle with infertility. Stay positive and know that His plan is greater than everything we can imagine!

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  14. I've just found your blog and HE sure has perfect timing. I'm taking a pregnancy test tomorrow after our second IUI a few weeks ago. I loved your post and will be sending prayers your way!

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  15. Praying for you guys! What s testament to the hope you have in Christ as He works in you through this time of trust and waiting!!

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  16. Praying for you, Owen - this is such a personal struggle, and you are very brave for sharing it with everyone. If there is one thing that we can count on in our uncertain life, it's that's God is in control and has the perfect plan.

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  17. Praying for you, lovely! Your post is so inspiring, and I can see your strength just through this post! He is with you + He is for you! <3
    xoxo, Brandi

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  18. I admire your strength so much, Owen! Thank you for so bravely publishing a post that will undoubtedly reach many women that are struggling with the same issues you and your husband are currently dealing with. I won't pretend to know the pain of infertility personally, but do have many close friends and blog friends who have struggled with it, and it just breaks my heart to see their pain. Through the pain though, I've also witnessed some of the most beautiful miracles. And I believe that miracles are headed your way too:) You will be on my mind and in my prayers. Thank you for sharing.

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  19. Sending prayers of strength for you! The older I get the more I realize the saying is true, that everyone is fighting a battle you may know nothing about. I completely agree that everyone needs to stop asking the question about when are you having babies! We got that for years. I have faith God will lead you through this battle and the end of the battle will be extra sweet and special!! <3

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  20. I'm so glad you shared. Having well meaning older people at church ask when we were going to have kids when we were trying and it hadn't happened yet hurt, but having them ask after I had a miscarriage felt like a dagger straight through the heart and soul. I think a lot of the time we feel like we shouldn't talk about the sad stuff, shouldn't "bring others down", but everybody has sad parts to their story and everybody deserves to tell all of their story.

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  21. I'm SOOO behind on blogging but as soon as I saw your Insta post- I had to read your story. Until working in healthcare, I honestly didn't know how common infertility was and I HATE that you guys are having to deal with it. Miracles do happen though and we always have science on our side so I'm sure you two will get that house full of babies. I'm praying for y'all and stay strong!!!

    xo, Kristina

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  22. thank you from the bottom of my heart for posting this. I've been following along with you for a little bit now and just saw that you joined the Moms in the Making facebook group. My heart goes out to you and your husband. I can relate all too well. I was blogging for awhile and stopped in September because I feel like I have nothing left to share. I'm not ready to dive into being an infertility blogger because I havent accepted it and I'm so scared to open up. I have some posts saved and just haven't gotten the courage to hit publish. I'm so proud of you for doing it. I hope to be able to get there one day! You and your husband are in my prayers!

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  23. Aww girl, I had tears in my eyes from reading this! I hope all works out for you guys, I will be praying for you! It's so brave of you to open up like this on the internet, but I'm sure you helped people out who are going through something similar!

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  24. Sending prayers your way! Thank you for sharing this! I hope yall have a fabulous weekend - oh and can we talk about how gorgeous you are? Geez!!!

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  25. Sending you lots of love and prayers! I hope that it all works out for you both :)

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  26. Sending prayers your way! So many people struggle with this and it takes so much courage to share this. You are reaching out to so many people and they will truly be thankful of your words! If He brings you to it, He'll bring you through it! Enjoy your weekend!

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  27. So happy you shared this today - sending many many prayers your way - and you're right, the power of prayer is amazing!

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  28. I know how very scary it is to share your struggles with infertility are. I commend you for sharing. I am hoping you and your husband are able to have the family of your dreams just as it is supposed to happen (but maybe not in your time). I closed my blog years ago but went through infertility, the support I got through my blog was endlessly helpful. Continue sharing your story, Owen! You are one brave woman!

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  29. So glad you shared this- beautifully written. I am praying for you during this difficult time - I just read this quote this morning from "New Morning Mercies" by Paul Tripp... "Could it be that all of those things that come your way that confuse you and that you never would’ve chosen for yourself are God’s tools to build your faith?"

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  30. So glad you shared this- beautifully written. I am praying for you during this difficult time - I just read this quote this morning from "New Morning Mercies" by Paul Tripp... "Could it be that all of those things that come your way that confuse you and that you never would’ve chosen for yourself are God’s tools to build your faith?"

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  31. I know your words will touch many! I mean geez look at all these comments already!! :) Proud of you and G for staying so strong through everything. You know I'll be here for you every step of the way. Love you so much!

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  32. So proud of you and G for sharing your story. Thinking of you and praying for you always! Love you! xo, Champagne&Suburbs

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  33. Thank you so so much for sharing this personal story with us. I have a few friends struggling with the exact same thing right now. It's so much more common than I ever expected (especially for healthy, young couples). Sending lots of prayers y'alls way!

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  34. So so so glad you shared! You are NOT alone!

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  35. Thinking of you! This is something that has hit many of my friends/family and something that I am definitely thinking of when it comes time for me to have a family. Thanks so much for sharing - praying for you both!

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  36. You know I've been praying for you girl. This was such a beautifully written post and it sounds like you have such a good support system. I think sharing this was so helpful because you're right it lets people know that people may be going through exactly the same thing as themselves and to have someone to talk to or support is such a wonderful thing. I also agree with the stop asking about when people are going to have babies, its so personal and you don't know what is going on behind the scenes. I wish certain people would stop asking me that as well..... ;-)

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  37. This hits home with me. I have had some issues in my past (uterine cancer scares) and being diagnosed with PCOS (and the only symptom I have of it is cysts on my ovaries) made me lose a lot of hope. We had been trying for a long time and right before we were to have IUI, I got pregnant with twins. I truly believe it was a miracle. Thank you for sharing this.

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  38. Don’t think of anything else just contact priest eka and purchase some of his herbal medication and your depression will go away. This was my state of mind when my doctor told me that i will not be able to concieve due to the Fibroid that was rolling in my family life and when i decide to reach out to the priest, and the priest told me what to do in other to get the medication. Eventually I receive all the Herbal medications that cure my Fibroid and give me the chance to become a proud mother: Eka is a great spiritualist, He did it for me, you can contact Eka on (dreka14demons@gmail.com). If you are suffering from the following gynecology disease::
    1. Fibroid, Asthma, All STD, sinus infection, unexplain miscarriage
    2.High Blood Pressure (herbs to reduce your BP within 7days)
    3. Infection, regular body pains (yeast infection),urine tract infection.
    4. Blockage from the fallopian Tube, Hepatitis
    5. Cyst from the ovaries, PCOS
    6. Unpleasant smell from the virginal, virginal itching
    7. Irregular menstruation
    8. Weakness of the penis (not able to have sex with your partner or inability to satisfy your partner sexually)
    9. Watering sperm (low sperm count) not able to get woman pregnant.
    10. Infertility for easy Conception.......
    11. Skin diseases, Toilet infection and bad body odor…….Etc..
    Simply contact the spiritualist DrEka on (dreka14demons@gmail.com) to get his Herbal Medication to cure your disease and put yourself on a motherhood side of life..

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