Infertility rears it’s ugly head... again

I’ve been so bad about blogging lately but we have had so much going on and I honestly have just been in a weird place for the past few weeks. It’s so hard to feel interested in the latest lipstick colors and the best Nordstrom sale deals when you’re in the depths of infertility. It just completely consumes you and your thoughts. We were so hoping to be sharing a pregnancy announcement in the next few weeks but instead we are mourning the loss of what would have been our second baby.

Sharing our journey has been both the hardest and most rewarding decision. I am an introverted, private person by nature but I prayed that our story would help at least one other couple and since sharing in spring of 2016, I have connected with hundreds of women going through the same thing. God is definitely using our story for good! And I would be doing a disservice to only share the highlights and successes of our infertility journey, because it doesn't always have a happy ending.

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We always knew we wanted our children to be close in age. We decided that 2 years apart would be ideal so back in March of 2018 we made the all too familiar 2 hour drive back to our RE’s office to come up with a game plan. We met with our doctor and set a July 2018 transfer date. In late May I went back to UNC for a saline ultrasound, mock embryo transfer and bloodwork. Everything looked great and we were ready to start meds!

I started taking birth control (seems so ironic right?) and then late June I had an ultrasound and bloodwork and started estrogen 3x a day. The goal of the estrogen is to make your endometrial lining nice and thick, a healthy “cushion” for baby to grow in. We went for weekly ultrasounds and bloodwork and everything progressed perfectly. Five days before our embryo transfer I started intramuscular progesterone injections in my butt nightly and let me tell y’all, those things hurt. They hurt much worse than I remember. We were all set for transfer!

The morning of transfer we woke up bright and early to make the drive and have a breakfast date before our appointment. I chugged lots of water (you need a full bladder for the procedure which is the most uncomfortable part) and we were ready to go. Everything went perfectly and we headed home and I relaxed on the couch the rest of the day. We were so excited and optimistic!

 They tell you not to POAS (pee on a stick) at home after an embryo transfer because it can be falsely negative. They like you to wait until 9 days after transfer for your blood test but I'm way too Type-A to wait that long. I POAS at 5 days post-transfer and it was a BFN (big fat negative). The worst feeling ever. I felt like someone knocked the wind out of me. I knew 100% at that point that it had not worked. I had a positive at that point in time after our transfer with Vivi so I just knew. I had to wait 3 more excruciating days before my blood test when I already knew what the results were going to be. There is nothing worse than continuing to take meds and injections when you already know it didn't work.

We got the call from our doctor that our blood test was, in fact, negative and we officially had an unsuccessful transfer.  Having our sweet baby has definitely made this more bearable because I don't have the overwhelming thoughts of "will I ever be a mom?" However, infertility is awful and never gets easier and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. The emotional and physical toll it has on your body is tremendous. Not to mention the financial aspect that is so unfair and stressful. We were and still are so sad but we are picking up the pieces and will try again!

If you have any questions about IVF or our infertility journey, don't hesitate to email me at davisduoblog@gmail.com. I'm happy to talk!

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Checking on our embryo babies!

Yesterday was an exciting day! We made the all too familiar drive to UNC Fertility to check on our frozen babies! There were so many emotions as we walked into the building. Thankfully for us it is a place of some really hard memories but also some super happy ones as well. I know a lot of people are flooded with heartbreak when they walk into their fertility clinic and don't get me wrong, those memories will never be forgotten, but this is also a very special and happy place for us. It seems like just yesterday we walked into the clinic for my egg retrieval then our embryo transfer day and our very first ultrasound at 5w5d when we saw her precious heart beating away.

No, I'm not pregnant.

Ideally, God willing, we would love to be pregnant by the end of the year though so we wanted to get the ball rolling. IVF is a complicated process and will take about 3 months of "prep" before our next embryo transfer. Did you know you have to take oral birth control pills to prepare for an embryo transfer? Seems kind of ironic. Then I will have to take estrogen then progesterone injections. So! We met with our amazing doctor [I swear I think he hung the moon] and we have a game plan. To be continued...

Even when you're on the "other side" of infertility, it never ends. There are so many huge decisions that you have to make. What will you do with the embryos if one of you dies? If you get divorced? Once you are done having kids, will you donate the extra embryos to science? To another couple? Discard them? Things that you don't want to think about but that are super important. 

We both had to get blood drawn to test for a few different things including zika virus since we traveled out of the country recently. You would have thought the world was ending. Garrett works in the medical field but he cannot stand having his own blood drawn. After his blood draw he goes, "so who is going to drive us home now?" Men...

Also, I absolutely am getting these onesies for our next baby. IVF jokes get me!

Pregnancy after infertility

I have sat down and stared at a blank screen for months trying to put this post into words. Bear with me, this is a jumble of thoughts and feelings on experiencing pregnancy after infertility.

When we were only dating we were faced with the harsh reality that we would likely have trouble conceiving. This lead to endless research, surgery, reaching out to others to had been through IVF, prayer, long discussions about our future, and never-ending anxiety about getting pregnant. Through our dating years, engagement, and newlywed stage one thing was for certain, whatever trials were in our future, we would face them together.

Fast forward to 2015 when we were officially "ready". It came as no surprise when we saw negative test after negative test, month after month. Though we were "prepared" for this, that didn't make it any easier. We knew time is of the essence and we didn't want to delay the inevitable. We found the perfect infertility clinic for us and were officially told what we had known for 6 years… IVF was our only option. Game on, let's do this! You guys have seen the journey unfold here, from making our journey public to my egg retrieval and embryo transfer and finally to our answered prayer. What I haven't touched on much is how hard it was after we got our BFP (big fat positive).

After we found out we were pregnant, instead of feeling elated that we had finally overcome infertility, all I could think about were the "what ifs". What if I have a miscarriage, what if this baby has health problems, what if… you name it. I was not prepared for these feelings, as I thought I would be carefree and on top of the world. To make matters worse, around week 7 I started bleeding and I was 100% positive I was miscarrying. I left work immediately went straight to my doctor who confirmed that baby's heart was beating away (praise God!) but that I had a subchorionic hemorrhage. I was put on modified bed rest and monitored weekly until my body reabsorbed it. This only made my anxiety worse, knowing that this hematoma put me at increased risk for miscarriage.

Even as we transitioned out of the first trimester, my hematoma resolved, and baby was doing perfectly, it wasn't until around week 15 or 16 that I really started to enjoy my pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, my love for that tiny baby was something fierce, but I didn't really like talking about my pregnancy with other people. I felt like I was going to "jinx" something if I talked about it. I didn't have the "run to the bathroom and pee on a stick and surprise husband with the news" experience that you see in the movies. Our road to get to this place was hard so unfortunately I was overly aware of all the bad things that could happen. I think this is pretty common after battling infertility. After going through IVF, you are far too used to hearing what went wrong, what your odds are, "I'm sorry", etc. You feel like one big science experiment.

So, I have put together a list of 3 things that all women should do in early pregnancy after beating infertility:

1. Give yourself grace. You've been through hell and back. It's not easy to flip a switch and go from worried and anxious to happy and carefree the second you see that BFP. Those negative feelings will fade with time as you start to realizing that your miracle baby isn't going anywhere! Trust that God brought you this far for a reason and that "He is knitting your baby together in your womb" (Psalm 139:13).

2. Have a support system. My husband and mom have been my absolute rocks through this entire process. I never went to a single doctor's appointment alone, and my clinic was 2 hours away. My husband knew when I was feeling sad and let me feel these things, then he was there to pick me up when I was ready. His tears of happiness at every ultrasound showed me that we were in this together. He would pray over our baby and constantly tried to reassure me that everything would be ok. It's impossible to go through this alone. Find your solid support system and don't be afraid to ask for help.

3. Celebrate the milestones. Celebrate your BFP, celebrate hearing the heartbeat for the first time, celebrate graduating from the first trimester. It's ok to let yourself be happy! You won't jinx it!

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If you made it to the end of this post, kudos to you! At 21 weeks now, I am incredibly thankful and happy for every single day with this baby. I absolutely love being pregnant and would do it all over again in a heartbeat for this baby. If you or someone you know has any questions about IVF or infertility, don't hesitate to email me at davisduoblog@gmail.com. At the end of the day, I am so very thankful for our journey and I am certain that our struggle made me 100x more thankful for every minute of this pregnancy!

Embryo transfer day and the end of our IVF journey

[In case you missed it, you can read all about our May 5th, 2016 egg retrieval here.]

After egg retrieval I felt like death for about 7 days. They got 44 eggs which is A LOT. After going back and forth on whether or not to do a fresh transfer (5 days after egg retrieval) or freezing all embryos, waiting 6 weeks for my body to recover, and doing a frozen embryo transfer, I decided to wait. I was so sick of shots, I had OHSS, and I just didn't feel like my body was a healthy environment to be putting one of our embryos back into. It was a tough decision at the time because that meant 6 more weeks of waiting, starting oral estrogen 3x a day, weekly doctor's appointments to monitor, and starting progesterone shots again. In the end I am super thankful we decided to wait. I honestly don't know if we would have had these results had I done a fresh transfer.

Starting 2 weeks after egg retrieval I began going back to the doctor weekly for ultrasounds and blood draws to make sure my body was ready for transfer. I began taking estrogen 3x a day and a progesterone shot at night. [By the way, PIO intramuscular shots are the WORST! Thick, progesterone in oil that leaves a lump under your skin. I had to take both the estrogen and progesterone shots until 10.5 weeks pregnant. My butt was covered in bruises ouch!] At our appointment on June 17th we officially got the green light that we were ready to transfer an embryo on June 24th!

June 24th, 2016

We woke up bright and early feeling like kids on Christmas morning (but even more excited!). We made the all too familiar 2 hour drive to our fertility clinic and then stopped for breakfast. I had to drink 24oz of water before transfer so that I had a full bladder during the procedure. That was TOUGH! I hate the feeling of having to pee! I got all changed into my gown, booties and hat then we were taken back into the procedure room. We watched as our perfect little embryo was transferred from a petri dish and into my uterus. Ultrasound showed us the whole thing on a big screen on the wall. It was amazing! I will never forget my doctor telling me, "Everything went perfect. You should be cautiously optimistic!"

Despite my doctor reassuring me that the embryo was not going to "fall out", I decided to lay there for a little while, still terrified of losing this very expensive embryo. I was officially "PUPO"-- pregnant until proven otherwise! We made the 2 hour drive home and the rest of the day was spent relaxing on the couch (doctor's orders!), eating a whole pineapple (core included... supposed to help with implantation), and doing everything possible to make that baby STICK!

Our first family picture

I was told to wake up the next day and go about my normal routine. We spent the day running errands, hanging out, and had a date night that night... my first night ordering a "mocktail" instead of wine which was pretty exciting! My blood draw to confirm whether or not I was pregnant was scheduled for 9 days post-transfer. I already knew I would test at home before then because let's be honest, patience isn't my best quality. My husband tried to convince me to wait until the blood test... sorry babe.

June 29th, 2016

5 days post-transfer. I knew multiple people who tested at home on 6 days post-transfer and got a faint positive. I woke up on day 5 and just couldn't wait another day. With hubs already at work, I ran into the bathroom and was fairly certain I was going to die of a heart attack right then and there. My heart was pounding out of my chest. Never in my life have I been so nervous/anxious/worried/excited. I peed on that expensive stick and walked away. When I came back into the bathroom my world was forever changed. The first time I'd ever seen two pink lines. Holy shit. Now what? Pee on a digital one obviously. Yes +.

I flew to my husband's work and texted him to come outside. I said I "forgot to give him something"... worst excuse ever. When he got to my car I shoved a gift bag at him full of daddy-to-be books and positive pregnancy tests. He lost it, bless his heart. I knew he would! I was still in shock and unable to cry. He did enough crying for both of us :)

Every day until our blood draw I peed on a stick like a crazy woman to make sure the lines were getting darker. And they were! On 9dp5dt (9 days post 5-day transfer) we headed to the hospital at the beach for my confirmatory blood draw. We were at the beach for 4th of July weekend so my doctor's office allowed me to have it done there and have the results sent to them. I will never forget the phone call I got a few hours later from my amazing doctor. "Hi Owen how are you? I'm amazing because YOU ARE PREGNANT! We want your HCG level to be above 50 and we are thrilled if it's above 100. Yours is 270! Congratulations momma!"

Talk about the best phone call of my life. We had to return back to the hospital 2 days later for one last blood draw. They like to make sure your HCG is doubling every 48 hours and it was! Grow baby, grow! What a whirlwind 2 weeks. We were still living on cloud 9 and in disbelief that it actually worked, that our miracle baby was finally in my belly. So many answered prayers, sleepless nights, shots, thousands of dollars all worth it.

We are so very lucky and blessed that we had success after our first round. We definitely had a long road to get to where we are now, but we are also well aware that some people go through multiple rounds of IVF without success. We will never take any aspect of this pregnancy for granted! And for those of you trying for your own miracle, do not give up! If you have any questions about IVF don't hesitate to email me at davisduoblog@gmail.com

We have some news...

Davis Duo will soon be upgraded to Davis Trio... we are expecting a precious baby in March! I am bursting at the seams with excitement and love for this baby that we have been praying for for so long. We are so thankful that God has blessed us with this miracle!

I can't wait to fill you guys in on all the details. Check back later this week for a pregnancy update, hear all about our embryo transfer, and my thoughts on pregnancy after infertility!

IVF: an update

I can't believe that I am almost done with 3 weeks of shots, and 1 full week of stims. Time is flying by! The two new medications I added last weekend brought with them all the dreaded side effects. I knew they were coming but UGH. I am trying so hard to remain positive and keep my eyes on the prize. However, my poor husband is probably sick of me telling him how tired I am and how bad my head hurts. I feel so bloated and can't sleep. I am waking up almost every hour and then for good at 5am. He woke up to go to the bathroom and saw me scrolling through my phone at 5am and said, "why are you awake?"... GOOD QUESTION.

I mentioned in a previous post how sensitive I am to medicines and how I get headaches so easily. Well I have had a headache almost every single day since starting stims. There is nothing more crippling that a pounding headache while trying to see patients. However, I've talked to multiple ladies that went through this and they said the Menopur caused awful headaches for about 4-5 days then it stopped so I am praying the headaches will resolve soon. The Menopur also burns like a biatch! It feels like fire going into my skin... not the most pleasant feeling. I have come to dread 8:00pm because that's shot time. I keep reminding myself that I only have a few more nights of shots, as egg retrieval will be some time next week! So crazy!

I had blood work on Tuesday and my hormone levels had skyrocketed since Saturday so my doctor decreased the dosage of one of my medicines. Probably the reason for the crazy bad hot flashes I've been getting. I feel like I'm 50 years old and going through menopause! I go back again this morning for an ultrasound and bloodwork to see how big my follicles are growing (grow eggs, grow!). After this appointment they will likely tweak my dosages again then I will come back for another monitoring appointment this weekend. IVF is such a fine balance. They literally have it down to a science and the smallest changes in injection dosages can make the biggest difference! I sure am glad they are experts because this stuff is CONFUSING!

Despite my complaining, overall I am doing great. I realize how blessed we are both physically and financially to even be able to attempt IVF. It absolutely crushes my heart when I hear about couples that cannot attempt IVF due to the financial aspect. If I ever win the lottery you better believe all that money is going to fertility clinics to give everyone a chance at having a babe of their own.

When I think about all the hormones I am pumping in my body, I realize that I could be feeling a lot worse. So for now we just continue shots until all my levels and ovaries look just right. Praying for perfect little eggies!

National Infertility Awareness Week

If you are getting sick and tired of hearing me ramble on about infertility and IVF, then now is the time to unfollow me. It won't hurt my feelings! I know it's probably boring 99% of my readers to death but hey!, this is where I am in my life right now and I want to document it so that I can look back when I am [hopefully] on the other side of infertility.

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Did you know that this week is National Infertility Awareness Week? Probably not, unless you are battling infertility yourself. How ironic that we are in the middle of IVF during this week. 1 in 8 women are currently suffering from infertility or mourning a miscarriage. I guarantee you that multiple women you know are struggling with this and you have no idea. One of the hardest parts about this whole thing for me has been the elephant in the room when I'm around people that know what I'm going through. There has been an overwhelming amount of support from most people and an underwhelming amount from others. When it comes down to it, people just don't know what to say or do. It's awkward and uncomfortable. So in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week, here is my list of 5 Ways To Support Your Friend Struggling With Infertility:

1. Ask how she is doing.

Check in every few days with a quick text and ask how she's doing. That simple question isn't asked nearly enough. It's all about "how are the shots?", "how many doctors appointments do you have this week?", "when is your egg retrieval?". I very rarely get asked how I'm feeling physically and emotionally. It means so much when someone asks me this... It makes me feel like they truly care about ME and aren't just intrigued about the whole IVF process. This process is incredibly taxing, both physically and emotionally. It's lonely and most of the time I feel like I have no one to talk to about it. By asking how she's doing, you're letting her know that it's ok for her to open up and vent to you.

2. Take action.

If you are anything like me, hell will freeze over before you will ask for help. Never in a million years would I text even one of my best friends and ask them to bring me dinner or run an errand for me. Rather than saying "please let me know if there's anything I can do for you", say "I am bringing you dinner, is Wednesday or Thursday night better for you?" She will be forever grateful and won't feel guilty about having to ask for help.

3. Keep up with her appointment dates and ask how they went.

Yes I know, IVF requires a million appointments [tell me about it!] but when she texts you and says her baseline ultrasound is next Monday or her egg retrieval is next Friday, write those dates down in your planner so you can remember to ask how they went. It shows that you truly care and are walking this road with her.

4. Get her out of the house.

Sometimes we all just need a good, old fashioned girls night. Plan a small get together like dinner or a mani/pedi date and ask her when the best day is. Getting out of the house to spend time with my best friends is the greatest therapy. It gets my mind off things and reminds me that I have an incredible support group rooting me on.

5. Pray for her.
If you don't feel comfortable talking to her about it or asking how she is, at least pray for her. Pray for her health, her future baby, her marriage, her nerves, her doctors, her peace of mind. This is by far the greatest thing you can do for her. I truly believe in my prayer warriors and no prayer is too small for our God. I believe in His plan for us but having a few extra prayers sent up doesn't ever hurt!

If you have any questions about infertility or the IVF process, feel free to shoot me an email. I'm so very passionate about this and want to break the stigma that surrounds infertility.

Weekending: casting workshop and date nights!

This weekend was filled with equal parts work and fun. As a PA I have to get a good amount of continuing education hours each year so I decided to attend a casting workshop about 2 hours from home. Since work was paying for everything including hotel and food, hubs and I decided to make a fun weekend out of it. We headed out of town Friday after work and stopped at our favorite mall for shopping and dinner at the spot we had our very first date. Our meal was amazing as always and I scored some cute pieces from Anthropolgie including this adorable kimono that I'm obsessed with. Because my shots for IVF must be given at the same time each night, I had no choice but to do Friday night's shot in the restaurant bathroom. That was interesting…

Saturday I had to be up early for the workshop. Though it isn't ideal to spend your entire weekend in a continuing ed course, it was actually really fun and informative. Most orthopedic PA's don't do their own casting but I want to put every cast on my patients by myself so it was great learning new techniques and tricks to make the most effective (and aesthetically pleasing) casts! While I was working, hubs met up with some of his former teammates and best friends that live in the area. I was so glad he got to catch up with them!

Saturday night we headed to a different mall for more shopping. I indulged a little too much buttttt I deserved it right?!? ;) We had dinner at the best steak house in the area (hello, my work was paying so I was treating myself to a darn good meal). It was SO yummy and I was in a serious food coma. Then it was back to the hotel for my first night of stims! More on this to come but basically I started 3 shots a night to grow my follicles/ovaries huge. We are really in the thick of IVF and I am equal parts excited and scared shitless (sorry for the language mom).

Sunday was spent at the workshop then driving 2 hours home and prepping for the week ahead. Why do weekends have to fly by?? I'm not ready for Monday!

Fof: more shots, pizza, and Lululemon

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I'm done with week 2 of injections! I have an appointment this morning for an ultrasound and bloodwork. I am praying for tons of follicles in my ovaries and perfect hormone levels in my blood. And I start stims tomorrow!!! This means I add 2 more injectable medications every night. Their job is to grow the follicles and mature the eggs. My ovaries are about to be on serious overdrive. So excited and scared and anxious and every other emotion. Hubs and I are going out of town for the weekend because I have a continuing education orthopedic course. My work pays for everything, including hotel and food, so it was hard to pass up. However, I am having serious anxiety about having to take all my shots in a hotel room. And some of them have to be refrigerated so we have to pack a cooler and be super organized. Stay tuned…

[T W O]

I recently posted this picture on my snapchat and had a lot of questions about where my workout tank top was from. Lululemon, duh! I am a tried and true fan… it's the only workout gear I wear. The built-in bras provide so much support and all of their clothes feel like Heaven. Definitely worth the hefty price tag.

[T H R E E]

A few of my best friends were in town recently so we had a mid-week girls night. It was so good for my soul! And I am still dreaming about this pizza!

[F O U R]

I'm not a huge NASCAR fan and honestly can't say that I've ever watched a race but Kyle Busch's wife documented their IVF journey on her blog and it made my heart so happy. I love when people in the public eye are open and honest about their infertility journey. They are helping to break the silence of this "taboo" topic and helping to bring more awareness. They are NC peeps too and donated $25,000 to one of our state's fertility clinics to help other couples who can't afford IVF. And I am officially a Kyle Busch fan!

[F I V E]

I snagged this adorable Karlie maxi at my local Monkees for 50% off!!! It was only $60 and I will get serious wear out of it this summer. I live in maxis all summer long and Karlie is my very favorite brand... the clothes fit great and the prices are so reasonable. I wish I had a picture of the back because it's low cut and to die for!

Linking up with April, Amanda, and Karli

First week of shots

I have almost completed my first week of shots! Let me just give you a glimpse into how the very first shot went…

So all day I was contemplating whether I wanted to give the shots to myself or give up control and let hubs do it to me. Let's see… I'm a PA and I give joint injections all day every day. Husband has never given a shot before. I'm not scared of needles and don't mind shots however, I just wasn't sure I would be able to give them to myself. These shots are subcutaneous so not super deep and go in my belly. However, in a few weeks I will start intramuscular injections which have to go in my booty (which I obviously can't do myself). So after much back and forth I decided to let him start practicing now.

So, how did he do?! He did great! He is quickly becoming a professional shot-giver. And I'm pretty sure he secretly enjoys stabbing me with a needle...

Right now it is just one shot of Lupron a night. Next weekend we add two more a night for a whopping 3 shots every night. Who wants to join our shot party?!? (If only they were shots of tequila and not shots of Menopur and Follistim)

How am I feeling? No real side effects yet, thankfully. The medicine burns for about 15 minutes and makes a small welt at the injection site but I put a heating pad on my tummy and it seems to help. My tummy is already covered in small bruises! Battle wounds I like to call them. I was worried that I was going to get terrible headaches because I am SUPER sensitive to medications and really any changes with my body. Knock on wood, I haven't had any headaches yet and I am praying it stays that way! Next weekend when I begin the Menopur and Follistim is when my ovaries will really start growing from the size of almonds to the size of apples and I will begin experiencing the dreaded side effects. That is when I have to stop exercising or doing any physical activity due to the risk of ovarian torsion. So for now I am continuing to go to the gym every day, drink lots of water, and get as much sleep as possible.

Baby Davis, we are coming for you!

Linking up with Annie and Jess

FoF: meds and wine and babies!

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Most of my IVF drugs came in the mail this week. It was definitely bittersweet opening this package. Filled with $4,500 worth of needles and medications that I will be injecting myself with every night starting THIS weekend. Knowing that it is for our future babe makes it all worth it. It's finally happening! Let's make a baby people!

[T W O]

One of my sweet friends that lives 1,300 miles away knew I was struggling last week. I got home from work and found a new book (my favorite) and a sweet, encouraging note.  Nothing beats snail mail, especially when it's a thoughtful gift.

[T H R E E]

Obsessed with my new shirt from The Light Blonde. It needs no explanation! Now pass the wine ;)

[F O U R]

One of our best friend couples had a baby last week. We took them dinner in exchange for lots of newborn baby cuddles. A fair trade off if you ask me! They are coming over for dinner tomorrow night and I just cannot wait to get my hands on her again. Isn't she perfect?!

[F I V E]

This week one of my patient's brought me the sweetest gift: tulips and a Starbucks gift card. This seriously made my week and truly reminded me that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be. I love my job and the ability to make people feel better!

Linking up with April, Amanda, and Karli